Six years ago today, I lost the most important person in my life. The only person I looked up to, the only person who I knew cared about me, the only person I felt close to, I lost my older brother. I can't believe it's been six years already. I remember the day you died like it was yesterday. I remember all of the details and every thing I saw in the order it happened. And to this day it replays in my head over and over. I was a little girl and I shouldn't have saw that or been through that. It's just not what a little girl should go through. I knew you did drugs but I didn't know that it would kill you. Throughout these six years I've changed a lot. All of the schools I've been to and the therapists I've had and my whole family thought I did bad things just because I wanted to be rebellious or when I cried or self harmed it was "just drama" but it really wasn't. I never got the help I needed when I actually needed it and I just didn't know what to do. I lost my fucking brother. I'm 14 years old now and I'm in so much pain. I honestly don't know if you can see me, Gary. but if you can, I'm sorry that you've seen me do a lot of horrible things. I'm sorry that you haven't seen me happy or smiling for six years. It's just that no one cares about me like you did and I miss you so much I still can't figure out a way to be happy without you here. I'm scared to be by myself. What makes everything all worse is that I know you can't come back and that's all I want. Is for you to come back. I feel weak because I never see anyone cry over you when I cry every single day and it's not even once a day, it's all throughout the day even when I'm in school tears run down my face. The second hardest thing I've ever seen was not seeing you dead, but going to a cemetery and seeing your name. This is not just a status for my brother and what I feel I'm trying to tell people something. If you care about your family or the people that care about you, friends or anybody. I'm begging you not to do heroin or any kind of drugs that can kill you. Don't even try it once because you never know what can happen. My brother didn't know he was going to die when he did it, it was an accident and now everyone that cares about him has been going through the worst feeling ever for the past 6 years and most likely for the rest of their lives. Your actions effect everyone else, meaning if you die the people who care about you will be a wreck they could be really sad and not able to leave their house ever or the could self harm or they could be really angry and take it out on different people it's all about how people deal with certain things. So why do something to ruin other people lives. Honestly, I even wanted to kill myself at one point but I thought about how I felt when my brother died and never wanted anyone else to feel like I felt all because of me. I didn't want to ruin other peoples lives.
Rest in peace Gary, I miss you and love you so much.
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